I kid you not. First they respond on Twitter with the standard “please DM us” – ostensibly to get my account number but this is really about getting the conversation out of the public channel. 

Then, when I respond via DM that they have all the information and I just want to speak to somebody at this point who can see beyond the modem and the wiring at my house, I get this back:

I reviewed the account and the signal for the area and the signal history on the modem. At this time all the signal in the area is prefect. I am showing the modem has been online for 47 days. Regularly reboot your modem and router help keep it running smother. Software updates are made from time to time that require a restart – just like any other consumer device. You can easily and automatically reboot your Xfinity equipment by using our My Account app. You can also use the app to view, change or share your WiFi network name and password. -CN

Never mind the details I provided last night, and all the information over the past year. 

Never mind the information about having the modem replaced and even having Comcast install their own alongside mine to check in parallel. 

Never mind the fact that I said this happens almost every night. So the 47 days is irrelevant. It happens almost every night. 

All their support people are capable of is sending canned responses now. Clearly, his review of the account must have been very cursory or he might have seen the information they’ve been sent and that several people have checked the wiring at the house. And the modems. And the router. 

Totally useless. 

Update 1

I pointed out that it wasn’t the modem. And that we have totally exhausted that route. Here’s what I get back:

I would be happy to help get this corrected. Since the modem has been online for 47 days I would like to start by pushing a provisioning signal to your modem. This will make sure the speeds and firmware are correct on the device. This will take the modem offline for 3-5 minutes. -CN

I am amazed they can get anything done with responses like this.

Update 2

Still insisting that the dropped packets in Sunnyvale, ~45 miles from Alameda, are caused by the modem it seems, as I got this back:

In order to properly troubleshoot we have to start at the modem and then work down the line. In order to start to help you I will need to reset the modem since it has not been reset for 47 days. -CN

Update 3

Finally, moved away from the modem, but apparently still not understanding that the signal quality in Alameda at 1:30pm is totally irrelevant to an IP problem in Sunnyvale that happens around 10pm:

would be more then happy to assist but currently after reviewing the signal for the area and on the modem there is no issue. -CN

And throughout this, my requests to either escalate to somebody who understands the trace route or to get a VP to call me have been ignored. Totally ignored.